A FAT MAN'S GUIDE TO FASHION...

So yesterday...I was inspired through "visual inspiration" to remark on FACEBOOK about the fashion choices of some of my "beefy brethren." Upon further review...I decided to dedicate my latest blog to a few more of my personal queries with regard to "FATTY FASHION." So following incendiary political blogs, and my tear-jerking baby blog...I present to you my attempt at humor and just a few thoughts that often run through my sick head....

Fat Boy Fashion Tip #1: Fat men...like myself...should NEVER tuck in a Polo!! Let that bad boy hangout or invest in long sleeve dress shirts!! You look like mystery meat stuffed in a sausage casing!! Trust me...I'm a professional!!

Fat Boy Fashion Tip #2: Tight and/or "form fitting" clothing was and is designed for one group of people "the thin/athletic!!" If you are a male and you do not have the physique of a professional athlete...there should NEVER be a size MEDIUM or LARGE draped over your body!! If it appears that the material of your shirt and your belt are one entity...go change!!

Fat Boy Fashion Tip #3: As a continuation of FT #2...if you have the body of a Pudding Cup...please for God sakes...stay away from UNDER ARMOUR!! In the least...wear it as an undershirt and if you purchase an UNDER ARMOUR t-shirt always go up a size. Nothing says sexy like a hairy, gut protruding through breathable material. Seriously guys...you aren't in "sports shape" anymore...let it go!!

Fat Boy Fashion Tip #4: Jogging pants don't look good on ANYBODY!! There have been great strides made in the world of "loungewear" these days. If you even consider going to the store and purchasing any sort of sweatshirt/sweatpant set made by Hanes, Jockey, etc...you should go ahead and pull that mile's worth of string out of the waist band and hang your fat ass from the nearest load bearing wall!! You have obviously given up on life anyway...

Fat Boy Fashion Tip #5: Double breasted suits are not designed for men who have "double breasts!!" Nothing accentuates the "bulges of a behemoth" like wrap around cloth!! In fact...anyone with a double breasted suit...get rid of that damn thing. They haven't been in style for about 10 years...

Fat Boy Fashion Tip #6: If your gut is faintly visible beneath the bottom of your t-shirt...guess what...your t-shirt is too freaking small!! Unless you are Lady Gaga...clothing is designed to cover the ENTIRE body...not to reveal tiny peaks at "what lies beneath." I have been in the BIG & TALL section and I know damn well that those sizes go into the stratosphere... so there are no excuses for the "Tiny T." Here is a great test...just raise those beef shank arms of yours...if you look down and see "Mt. St. Cheesyfries"...get some bigger T-shirts!!

Fat Boy Fashion Tip #7: Whatever you do...under no circumstances...should you ever wear a TURTLENECK!! I mean seriously...it looks like someone is trying to squeeze the last drop of Colgate out of the tube!! You already don't have a neck and more Chins than Honda's Corporate Office...why do you want to smash and smush all of that greasy, buttery landscape you call  a face into some sort of contorted horror show!! Plus...just like the above reference...who was the last "cool" person you saw in a turtleneck?? Remember...clingy material is not your friend!!

Fat Boy Fashion Tip #8: Not all hats were created equal. Many of you...like me...suffer from a serious ailment known to the medical world as "cranius magnificus" or in layman's terms "BIG ASS HEAD." If the hat isn't designed as a TRUCKER HAT...it isn't supposed to look like one!! If you aren't Jewish...yet Rabbi's walk up to you on the street and ask if you are attending temple anywhere..it's because your hat looks like a yamaka!! Tightening it up..only makes it worse. A hat is designed to cover the whole head..not part of it...otherwise it would be a beanie or a halo!! If hats don't look good on you...just take a shower or brush your hair!! Let's face it..we need all the help we can get!!

Fat Boy Fashion Tip #9: Please..for the love of God...wear an UNDERSHIRT!! Yes...I know that you see cool people on television with no undershirt and about 6 unbuttoned spots down their trendy chest. However...they are usually "hairless" or at least closely trimmed and they have something we lack... "muscle definition." Gentlemen...let me be the first to let you in on a little secret...Man cleavage or "meavage" is not sexy!! No woman or man for that matter...wants to stare at your hairy mounds of sadness!! If you can't brush your teeth without your "mitties" knocking things off the bathroom counter...try and keep the "juice from getting loose." Think of the undershirt as your own MANZIER!! A nice male support mechanism that helps keep your little hormonal secret just that...a secret!!

Fat Boy Fashion Tip #10: If your shirt, pants, coat, etc. has any sort of stain related to food and/or drink...please change ASAP!! Nothing says pathetic like Fatty McNosex...walking around aimlessly wearing the Ryan's buffet on his chest!! It is degrading to you and the rest of us...we the self respecting "FATTY BRIGADE" who prefer not to carry the stench of mustard, relish and heart disease with us for the rest of the day!! The food goes in your mouth Tubby...not on your lapel!! If you can't change..at least give it the old "college try" and wipe off as much as you can. We live in a world where we are judged...and few people take kindly to chicken wings falling from your armpits during job interviews!!

Just a few observations from a big man who tries. Until next time friends...

MY GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT...

As most of you already know...at 4:28 p.m. on May 3, 2011...Erin and I welcomed the newest member of the Burden family...Ella Giles!! Much like her Mother...Ella Giles was running a little late...and we opted to schedule an induction on Tuesday morning. Thank God...Erin was in ZERO pain leading up to the delivery. The epidural was administered relatively early, her water was broken and a few hours later...our lives were changed forever!!

Most people asked me if I planned to go "down there" during the delivery...or if I would stay by my wife's head...holding her hand and waiting for the doctor to hand us our new gift. From day one...I was adamant that I wanted to witness it...in fact...early on...Erin had mentioned that Dr. Curtis might actually let me "deliver" the baby. Of course...all of this is easier said than done.

I decided to "stick a toe in the shallow in"...so I watched them break her water. I wasn't freaked out, or grossed out...I felt good and I thought I was ready. A few hours later...a final check revealed Erin was at 10 cm and it was time to push. The bed quickly morphed into a delivery table...a variety of medical instruments was brought out and the head nurse started working with Erin as we waited on the doctor.

I cautiously walked to the foot of the bed and stood by Kristy (Erin's RN)...as I peered down...I could see the top of Ella Giles head!! It literally took my breath away...not because it was "gross" or "freaky" but because I was witnessing the greatest natural miracle on earth!! A few more pushes and the babies head was crowning...we were almost there. Dr. Curtis walked in, sat down and gave a few more "push" directives. Then he jumped up and told me to take a seat. I was sweating like a pig, wrapped in a blue surgical top and scared out of my mind!! I remember whispering "Oh dear God"...and took my seat. Now understand...I thought we still had a while...maybe 5-10 more pushes as the baby slowly made her final approach...I WAS WRONG!! I sat down...Dr. Curtis showed me where to place my hands (one on the front of her head...while another supported her neck)...he asked Erin to push one more time....and then...

Ella Giles popped out into my arms like a cliff diver making an ascent for that desperate breath. I had subconsciously stopped breathing...I know this because as soon as I heard her cry...I felt my lungs once again begin moving and I inhaled a massive amount of oxygen!! Dr. Curtis asked me to cut the cord...but I was so terrified of dropping my slippery new bundle of joy that I passed. I figured pulling her out of the birth canal was enough excitement for one day!!

I could feel the tears rolling down my face as we walked towards the head of the bed and I handed her to Erin. She could no longer hold back her emotions and my wife sobbed with joy as she gently wiped away the blood and fluid from Ella Giles' tiny body. I too surrendered to this overwhelming emotion and I stood beside her...holding Erin's hand...crying my eyes out and refusing to let go of this beautiful new angel. They eventually took Ellla Giles to the warmer for further cleaning and stabilization. I had not yet hugged Erin because of all that was going on. I simply said "Hi" and "can I get to you now?" We embraced for what seemed like an hour and literally cried on each others shoulders. We looked into each others eyes and almost simultaneously said "she's beautiful!"

I finally had the chance to hold her in my arms...so tiny, so fragile, so innocent of the world's evil. I sat in a chair as I watched Dr. Curtis work for almost 2 hours suturing Erin...this was the result of significant internal tearing resulting from Ella Giles' birth. As I held this beautiful baby...I looked up at my amazing wife....oxygen on her face...feet in the stirrups...bleeding profusely...and all I could think was...this is why mother's are the strongest and most important people on this planet!! No man could endure that pain, stress, hardship, emotional upheaval or sheer exhaustion that accompanies childbirth. If anyone has any doubts or questions about who is the "stronger" sex...spend a few hours in a Labor and Delivery ward!!

My entire life...people have said to me that "there is no greater love than that of a parent for a  child". Or they would comment... "you will never know that you are capable of loving something so much...until you hold her/him in your hands". None of these comments meant anything to me...in fact...I usually privately scoffed at them as hyperbole and just the ramblings of people who were "baby obsessed." Wow...have I been eating a lot of crow since May 3!!

I loved Ella Giles in the womb...and I was concerned about the health and well being of both she and Erin. However...the moment those big, beautiful blue eyes opened...she had me!! She is the first thing on my mind when I wake and the last thing that crosses it before I drift to sleep. I immediately go and look at her before I start getting ready in the morning and I always have to hold her one more time before going to bed. I know now why my Mother always told me..."James, without you in my life, I have NOTHING to live for." People find a way to make it following tragedy... and I get that...but in one week...I have created a bond with Ella Giles that is indescribable even for a wordy, overdramatic, sap like me!! All I can say is that I THOUGHT I knew what love was...I had NO IDEA!!

Sometimes...like now...I will think of her and just start crying. That is how much joy that she fills my heart with. Having her in my life has given me a peace and solace that I honestly never thought was possible to obtain. I worry...that hasn't changed...I'm still the same guy...but I know that as long as Erin, James, Ella Giles, Barkley, Sullivan, Haley and Harper are together...there is no obstacle that we can't and won't overcome!! I have gained a new respect for my wife...I have gained a new perspective on life...but greatest of all...God showed me a miracle when my heart was the most cold and unwelcoming. I have struggled with my faith for some time and it is still a struggle...however...you can't watch the birth of your child without feeling the breath of God in the room!! I can feel God working in my life...breathing new life into me...it is a slow process but He knows me and that it will take time!!

At the end of the day...my house, my marriage or my life will never be the same...but in a good way. I can't wait until our rooms are filled with the barks of dogs...followed by the laughter of an inquisitive little girl. I can't wait until the words "Mommy" & "Daddy" are the only words that matter. I can't wait until I wake up in the morning to soft kisses on my face...as Ella Giles is ready to start her day. I can't wait to walk in from work..and see our kitchen in shambles cause Mommy and Daughter were baking cookies...cause they both know how much Daddy loves them!! Most of all...I can't wait for 4:00 p.m...when I can return home to the two most beautiful and important women in my life!!

Until next time friends....

GREAT ANNOUNCEMENT...DISTURBING REACTIONS...

Last night...Erin and I sat glued to the television. The President of the United States had a "major" announcement to this country and to the "world". As the time began to tick away...prior to the President's address...we soon realized that a man who became the face of "Global Terrorism" had finally met his end and for the moment... the United States took a collective sigh of relief. For more than 10 long years...this "animal" had eluded capture. The search covered 3 Presidential administrations and on May 1, 2011...it concluded. I'm not going to try and hyperbolize what this means to our country as a whole. However...this morning...the families of so many innocent victims can finally feel vindicated that justice has been served and America, once again, symbolically proved that our resolve is relentless!! The head of the snake has been removed and though the body may continue to writh and the toxins of its poison still remain deadly...inevitably...the snake will die!! Let us celebrate this great accomplishment as a united country and a thankful WORLD!!

Now...onto the topic "du jour." Erin and I both sat and watched every word of Obama's speech to the world. I hung on every breath and quite frankly...dissected everything he said. I told Erin prior to its beginning what "I thought" it was necessary for him to say. Quite frankly...he exceeded "MY" expectations and I was moved to tears. Of course...as expected...many people did not have a similar reaction!!

As I have repeated "ad nauseum" within the confines of this blog...I  NEVER expect other people to completely "agree" with my political beliefs and/or viewpoints. Granted...it is always nice when I find someone like-minded...in this part of the world... for the past 32 years...it has become quite a rarity. For most...it is a known fact where my allegiances lie and where my political leanings are tilted. That being said...what I witnessed last night...had nothing to do with political leanings or philosophy and everything to do with meanness and hatred!!

As hundreds...or perhaps thousands...of Americans took to the streets of Washington, DC to cheer and celebrate the destruction of the greatest evil since Adolph Hitler...other people took to FACEBOOK...in order to question the motives and more specifically...to skeptically critique every word of President Obama's speech. Once again...I don't mind political cynicism but I will not stand by and be a party to falsehood, misinformation and overall dangerous propaganda!!

I wanted to address several of the accusations that were flying around the internet. The first and perhaps the most aggregious was that Obama either "didn't thank our troops at all" or "didn't thank them enough." So let's address that issue. In my heightened state of irritation I was unable to sleep and downloaded an official transcript of Obama's speech last night. So did he "thank" our troops?? Here are some excerpts...

"Over the last 10 years, thanks to the tireless and heroic work of our military and our counterterrorism professionals, we’ve made great strides in that effort. We’ve disrupted terrorist attacks and strengthened our homeland defense. In Afghanistan, we removed the Taliban government, which had given bin Laden and al Qaeda safe haven and support. And around the globe, we worked with our friends and allies to capture or kill scores of al Qaeda terrorists, including several who were a part of the 9/11 plot."

Sure sounds like he is giving credit to our military...Here is another....

"A small team of Americans carried out the operation with extraordinary courage and capability. No Americans were harmed. They took care to avoid civilian casualties. After a firefight, they killed Osama bin Laden and took custody of his body."

They did it..not him...right? He wasn't finished though...

"After nearly 10 years of service, struggle, and sacrifice, we know well the costs of war. These efforts weigh on me every time I, as Commander-in-Chief, have to sign a letter to a family that has lost a loved one, or look into the eyes of a service member who’s been gravely wounded."

Stll think he was avoiding our military?? How about this...

"Tonight, we give thanks to the countless intelligence and counterterrorism professionals who’ve worked tirelessly to achieve this outcome. The American people do not see their work, nor know their names. But tonight, they feel the satisfaction of their work and the result of their pursuit of justice."

Oh wait...there's more...

"We give thanks for the men who carried out this operation, for they exemplify the professionalism, patriotism, and unparalleled courage of those who serve our country. And they are part of a generation that has borne the heaviest share of the burden since that September day."

In case you weren't keeping count...that was 5 times..in a relatively short speech...that the Presdent chose to address our military/ counter-terrorism operatives and congratulate them for their heroism and overall sacrifice. No reason for me to spend time arguing this point...the proof is in his words!!

The next "idea" that seemed to be prevalent among many of my FACEBOOK friends...was that Obama repeatedly used the word "I"...essentially accusing him of taking ALL the credit for this action. Therefore...I took it upon myself to try and differentiate his word usage. First and foremost...the President used the word "I" or "me" 10 times in his speech. It should be noted that most of the "I" usage was with regard to direct orders he was giving the military. Now...how many times did the President use the words "we" or "us"? I might have missed one or two..but I counted 70 TIMES!! "I" 10 times...and "we" or "us"...70 times!! I won't bore you with the percentage comparison...let's just say that this argument DOESN'T HOLD WATER!!

Beyond these two points...there was a variety of angry rhetoric that focused on healthcare...and the President's Birth Certificate. I REFUSE to address either of these issues again...other than to say Universal Health Care was approved by the House and the Senate (though I never think it will see the light of day) and the Birth Certificate issue WAS put to rest several years ago yet LUNATICS wouldn't let it go. Now the President jumps through hoops to provide an "original" BC and it still isn't enough?? I just wish people could see the forrest for the trees!!

Last night was a moment that we should have embraced as a whole...a country united, celebrating the end of decades worth of bloodhsed, tears and misery. Instead...we remain disjointed, partisan and isolated by the walls of our own devisiveness. Again, I reiterate....disagree with his "political views" and my own for that matter...but try not to be so blinded by your own political anger that you can't see ANY good in a pivotal moment in American history. Instead of wasting so much time disparaging the President for what he HASN'T done...how about taking two seconds to say THANK YOU for achieving something that whether you like it or not...didn't/couldn't happen under the watchful eye of President Bush!!

The bottom line is this...there are a lot of people in the US today who have a tremendous amount of egg on their face. Obama was NEVER going to find Bin Laden...I mean...they are both Muslims anyway...he didn't really want to find him!! Once Obama was elected...there would be MASSIVE attacks on our country by terrorists because of his "soft" military stand...right?? In fact...the entire country was going to fall into the dirty, non-christian hands of the Middle East!! So let's recap some of these predictions...

As of May 1, 2011...Congress and the Senate have passed Universal Health Care. "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" has been officially repealed. The United States has slowly healed the fractures that existed between our allies in Europe and elsewhere. The military presence in Iraq and Afghanistan remain...however the situations seem to be stabilizing. We have helped overthrow a Dictator in Egypt, and presently have another one dodging missiles in Libya (sounds eerily familiar to what another REPUBLICAN President did to him in the 80's...right?), and now the world's most wanted fugitive...Satan Incarnate is DEAD!!

Don't get me wrong...this country still has myriad problems!! The economy is bad...people are out of work...terrorism still exists and will continue to exist... and gas prices are headed for the stratosphere. However...can't we agree...in one moment...that last night...President Barach Obama, the military, the CIA and other governmental personnel did something that NO ONE else has been able to do??

 Whether you like it or not...agree or disagree...this Presidency unlike its predecessor will NOT be viewed as a FAILURE or a series of bad decisions!! Even if Obama only has 1 term...and that is growing more doubtful by the day...history will view him as a young, energetic, progressive...who perhaps tried too hard to achieve great things in too short a period of time. If that sounds familiar...see William Jefferson Clinton...you know the President that got a "happy ending" in the Oval Office...a.k.a. the last guy that provided this country with a BUDGET SURPLUS!! I wish people could remember that perception is always relative. I see that...I realize that I celebrate a politcal victory while others see it as a defeat!! I also recognize that even my so-called politcal "adversaries" are HUMAN BEINGS!! I didn't like George Bush but I NEVER took part in  vicious and unwarranted public attacks and scrutiny against him that I have seen during Obama's short tenure. I was proud of how Bush handled 9-11 and supported his decisions..until we entered Iraq. I also NEVER blamed him or the Federal government for ALL of the tragedy in New Orleans following Katrina. That being said...I find it remarkably ironic how many of these same people relentlessly attacking Obama...were the chief "apologists" and "excuse makers" for all of Bush's misstakes. These were the same people who burned Dixie Chick CD's and assailed Hollywood for their "liberal agenda!!" As I said before...perception is relative!!

This morning I am proud of my President...proud of my military/CIA/etc/...and proud of the resolve exhibited  by my beloved yet flawed country. That being said...I continue to be disappointed by friends, family, loved ones...and complete strangers... who refuse to accept ANY of Obama's achievements as "good", "righteous" or for that matter "real." This morning I was addressed in a response and was told that Obama was "my" President. To take a page out of the Right Wing playbook...as long as you CHOOSE to live in this country...he is YOUR President too!!

After 9/11...this country came together in a way that I have never seen. However...it is very apparent to me that as a WHOLE...we are a long way from getting back to that type of unity!! I will leave everyone with a few final words from our President's speech last night. I hope and pray that soon...very soon...we can all live together in what has sadly become a seemingly far removed reality that he speaks of...

"On September 11, 2001, in our time of grief, the American people came together. We offered our neighbors a hand, and we offered the wounded our blood. We reaffirmed our ties to each other, and our love of community and country. On that day, no matter where we came from, what God we prayed to, or what race or ethnicity we were, we were united as one American family."

Until next time friends...