A FAT MAN'S GUIDE TO FASHION...

So yesterday...I was inspired through "visual inspiration" to remark on FACEBOOK about the fashion choices of some of my "beefy brethren." Upon further review...I decided to dedicate my latest blog to a few more of my personal queries with regard to "FATTY FASHION." So following incendiary political blogs, and my tear-jerking baby blog...I present to you my attempt at humor and just a few thoughts that often run through my sick head....

Fat Boy Fashion Tip #1: Fat men...like myself...should NEVER tuck in a Polo!! Let that bad boy hangout or invest in long sleeve dress shirts!! You look like mystery meat stuffed in a sausage casing!! Trust me...I'm a professional!!

Fat Boy Fashion Tip #2: Tight and/or "form fitting" clothing was and is designed for one group of people "the thin/athletic!!" If you are a male and you do not have the physique of a professional athlete...there should NEVER be a size MEDIUM or LARGE draped over your body!! If it appears that the material of your shirt and your belt are one entity...go change!!

Fat Boy Fashion Tip #3: As a continuation of FT #2...if you have the body of a Pudding Cup...please for God sakes...stay away from UNDER ARMOUR!! In the least...wear it as an undershirt and if you purchase an UNDER ARMOUR t-shirt always go up a size. Nothing says sexy like a hairy, gut protruding through breathable material. Seriously guys...you aren't in "sports shape" anymore...let it go!!

Fat Boy Fashion Tip #4: Jogging pants don't look good on ANYBODY!! There have been great strides made in the world of "loungewear" these days. If you even consider going to the store and purchasing any sort of sweatshirt/sweatpant set made by Hanes, Jockey, etc...you should go ahead and pull that mile's worth of string out of the waist band and hang your fat ass from the nearest load bearing wall!! You have obviously given up on life anyway...

Fat Boy Fashion Tip #5: Double breasted suits are not designed for men who have "double breasts!!" Nothing accentuates the "bulges of a behemoth" like wrap around cloth!! In fact...anyone with a double breasted suit...get rid of that damn thing. They haven't been in style for about 10 years...

Fat Boy Fashion Tip #6: If your gut is faintly visible beneath the bottom of your t-shirt...guess what...your t-shirt is too freaking small!! Unless you are Lady Gaga...clothing is designed to cover the ENTIRE body...not to reveal tiny peaks at "what lies beneath." I have been in the BIG & TALL section and I know damn well that those sizes go into the stratosphere... so there are no excuses for the "Tiny T." Here is a great test...just raise those beef shank arms of yours...if you look down and see "Mt. St. Cheesyfries"...get some bigger T-shirts!!

Fat Boy Fashion Tip #7: Whatever you do...under no circumstances...should you ever wear a TURTLENECK!! I mean seriously...it looks like someone is trying to squeeze the last drop of Colgate out of the tube!! You already don't have a neck and more Chins than Honda's Corporate Office...why do you want to smash and smush all of that greasy, buttery landscape you call  a face into some sort of contorted horror show!! Plus...just like the above reference...who was the last "cool" person you saw in a turtleneck?? Remember...clingy material is not your friend!!

Fat Boy Fashion Tip #8: Not all hats were created equal. Many of you...like me...suffer from a serious ailment known to the medical world as "cranius magnificus" or in layman's terms "BIG ASS HEAD." If the hat isn't designed as a TRUCKER HAT...it isn't supposed to look like one!! If you aren't Jewish...yet Rabbi's walk up to you on the street and ask if you are attending temple anywhere..it's because your hat looks like a yamaka!! Tightening it up..only makes it worse. A hat is designed to cover the whole head..not part of it...otherwise it would be a beanie or a halo!! If hats don't look good on you...just take a shower or brush your hair!! Let's face it..we need all the help we can get!!

Fat Boy Fashion Tip #9: Please..for the love of God...wear an UNDERSHIRT!! Yes...I know that you see cool people on television with no undershirt and about 6 unbuttoned spots down their trendy chest. However...they are usually "hairless" or at least closely trimmed and they have something we lack... "muscle definition." Gentlemen...let me be the first to let you in on a little secret...Man cleavage or "meavage" is not sexy!! No woman or man for that matter...wants to stare at your hairy mounds of sadness!! If you can't brush your teeth without your "mitties" knocking things off the bathroom counter...try and keep the "juice from getting loose." Think of the undershirt as your own MANZIER!! A nice male support mechanism that helps keep your little hormonal secret just that...a secret!!

Fat Boy Fashion Tip #10: If your shirt, pants, coat, etc. has any sort of stain related to food and/or drink...please change ASAP!! Nothing says pathetic like Fatty McNosex...walking around aimlessly wearing the Ryan's buffet on his chest!! It is degrading to you and the rest of us...we the self respecting "FATTY BRIGADE" who prefer not to carry the stench of mustard, relish and heart disease with us for the rest of the day!! The food goes in your mouth Tubby...not on your lapel!! If you can't change..at least give it the old "college try" and wipe off as much as you can. We live in a world where we are judged...and few people take kindly to chicken wings falling from your armpits during job interviews!!

Just a few observations from a big man who tries. Until next time friends...