It has been several days since my last blog and I have realized something...I am really enjoying taking 15-20 minutes everyday to write down those thoughts that are weighing heavily on my mind. If only I had the same zeal for exercise and working out as I do for sitting on my butt and writing down my various thoughts and feelings!! But hey...has anyone ever really accomplished anything from physical fitness?? I mean...other than professional athletes, olympians, body builders...do people really make millions of dollars due to their bodies being in ideal physical condition? Upon further review...that was a terrible analogy!! Oh well...I guess my dreams of vast wealth and overall monetary comfort must be firmly affixed to the hoped and dreams that someday...some of my innane BS via the written or spoken word...might actually catapult me into that proverbial "dream job." Until then...I remain bored, poor and hopefully at least...creative!!
I have thought a lot over the weekend about a phenomenon that most would call "revisionist history." What do I mean by this and why is it the topic of a blog?? I am so glad that you asked!! How or why is it that people can essentially "create" or "manifest" their own memories appropriate to their respective situations. For example...how can an abused child or a physically tormented wife...create a world where none of these things ever happened?? How can you block-out or selectively forget all of the evils that certain people perpetrated upon you in life? It is an occurrence that is not "uncommon" if you truly allow yourself to think about it.
I can't tell you how many people that I know and/or are related to...who have chosen to "block out" trauma in order to live a "pretend life" or to essentially...invent their own recollections of what has transpired throughout their lives. Now many of these people have complete knowledge of what happened and have more or less chosen to "forgive and forget." However...several others exist everyday with their heads buried deeply and firmly in the sands of "make believe."
There is something "healthy" about learning to let go of your past...believe me...I am living proof of this. In fact...it is something that I struggle with on a daily basis. However...in my humble opinion...there is also something to be said for "dealing with your past" and accepting and addressing these things which regardless of how hard we attempt to fight them...shape who we are as people and ultimately PARENTS!!
There can be no greater disservice to a child, spouse or family...then refusing to acknowledge our own personal dysfunction...whether this is the result of a tumultuous family unit or by personal downfalls, shortcomings or mistakes. I have always said that dysfucntion runs rampant in us all. There is NO such thing as NORMAL...quite frankly...NORMAL like BEAUTY is "in the eye of the beholder." That being said...it are those people who REFUSE to accept their abnormalities and faults that frighten me. If you wake up in the morning and look at yourself in the mirror, or across the table at your spouse, or your son/daughter as they leave the driveway for college...and your first thought is "what a great job I've down"..."we have a PERFECT family"...chances are you have made even bigger mistakes than the average person. I'm not saying that we can't strive for something special...to be great parents, husbands, wives, etc...but inevitably we are human and we are flawed. I live with the scars of a painful childhood and parents who quite frankly...should never have been married. I also see people who live with the scars of their own pain, insecurity and emotional emptiness...who come from so-called " normal families." The problem is...far too many people feel that it is more important to act NORMAL than to be PEOPLE!! Mistakes will happen...people hurt each other...and people make mistakes...but why is it so hard for people to accept that responsibility and take "ownership?"
If you are insecure, neurotic, obsessive compulsive, needy, moody, intense, impatient, ACCEPT it!! I used these descriptors because I AM all of these things!! I know it...my family knows it and my wife sure as hell knows it!! Do I strive everyday to improve on many of these aspects...of course...but the reality is...it's hard!! We are hard wired to be who and what we are...that is why experts say "Don't marry someone that you think you can CHANGE". Why...cause it won't happen. Instead of being a freak show..and pretending like you aren't...talk to those you love and have dialogue about yourself. There is nothing more hurtful and freeing at the same time...than opening yourself up to the critiques of others. Don't be afraid to listen...try and understand what perception others have of you.Chance are..at will likely not be as good or bad as you might have previously thought. Fon't "reinvent" your history...just remember history is and will always be written by the WINNERS. There is always a different perspective...don't be afraid to stop and find out exactly what that might be.
One of my biggest complaints about "revisionist history" is the fact that it is most prevealent...in death. How many times have you seen a person reviled, despised and disgraced in life...but in death somehow those past transgressions are forgotten or at best ignored. There is one reality in this life...and that is none of us will escape it ALIVE!! To quote Marc Antony (no...not the Latino musical superstar and husband to JLo)..."The evils that men do lives after them and is oft interred in their bones." Our legacy..is our legacy...and once we are dead...that doesn't change. My Dad had a saying that was harsh but very true..."If you are a son of a bitch alive...you are still a son of a bitch...dead." I'm not saying that death shouldn't bring about a certain reverance and civility...but come on...dying is a constant...it shouldn't necessitate "martyrdom" and "sainthood" just because that person lost a battle that guess what...WE ALL WILL LOSE!!
I have had 2 truly great yet horrifically bittersweet honors in my life. I was able to eulogize both my Mother and my Father. In both of their eulogies...I tried to accentuate the imperfections and failures of them both. Did that change the fact that they were my parents and I loved them...of course not!! My mother struggled with drug addiction...for most of my life. She accepted the fact that she was an addict...she sought help numerous times...and she acknowledged how much hurt and pain that resulted from her actions. My mother never tried to hide this struggle.It wasn't a Scarlet letter that would induce the anger and venom of society upon her public appearance. Was she ashamed and deeply tormented by this disease..of course...was she embarrased...always...but she never ran from who or what she was. She fell off the wagon many times...but eventually...usually with the support of her friends and family...she got right back up and lived to fight another day. It would have done my mother and all those involved a great disservice...had her struggles not been mentioned as a defining aspect of her life. Not as a failure...but as a triumph...not as an example of a horrible person...but as a public service announcement to the millions of families that are devastated by addiction everyday.
My mother was the most important person in my life...she was my best friend...my confidant...the person who never turned her back on me...however during her times of struggle...I couldn't carry on a conversation with her. I resented her..and I hated the DISEASE. My father was a brilliant man...who understood the needs and wants of people. He was politically a "savant" who could predict elections better than any National Adviser that I have seen to date. Yet he was an insecure, bitter, angry child who never escaped his own chains. He loved me the best way that he knew how...but he left my Mother an abandoned, emotional wreck. They are both dead...I loved them both...but that is who they were!! I won't live my life and share with Ella Giles the "rose colored" stories of the grandparents that she never knew. She will know all about her Lane Lane's struggles...so she can understand the power of addiction and quite frankly that the propensity flows through her veins. She will hear how distant her grandfather was at times...but how he inspired her father to always have courage and to never relent in a desire and hunger for knowledge. But most of all...she will feel the love and strength of both of them...as I spend the rest of my life filling in the gaps that perhaps I missed out on.
The bottom line is...I don't want Ella Giles to ever tell her family history as a "fairy tale." Good or bad...she will grow up in a home where Mommy and Daddy are approachable...that there is NOTHING she can't talk to us about... and where religious, ethnic and sexually orientated judgement will NOT be tolerated. Our child will be raised in a spirit of "free thought" and "progression"...not closed mindedness and ignorance. Love your children...love your spuse..and love your familes. Accept them for who and what they are...but don't waste a lifetime trying to re-invent who and what you are.
So what if we don't all share the same religious theology. Who cares if someone is gay, straight, bisexual, transgendered or just confused. Big deal if we all see a different vision for our country...liberal, conservative, independent etc. Why should it matter if people choose to marry outside their race...or their children have bits and pieces of multiple cultures within them. It seems that of late...we are so focused on how WRONG everyone else is...that we have completely forgotten what is RIGHT!! Humanity is RIGHT, Unconditional Love is RIGHT, Communication/Dialogue is RIGHT and Honesty is RIGHT!!
Let's talk to one another...learn from one another...and who knows...maybe one day...once and for all...our respective history's will properly write themselves. As a dedication to my Mother I leave you all with this...
God grant me the Serenity...
to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Until next time friends...
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