Disappointing Day...

I was hit with a massive disappointment today so I guess the only way to deal with it is to talk about it. For the last several weeks, I have been anxiously awaiting word about a job that I applied for within the same plant that I already work. It would have been a promotion and would have been accompanied by a hefty increase in pay. I was told today that they decided to go in a different direction...hiring someone from outside the plant. I appreciated the openness of the "powers that be" to let me be the first to know however it doesn't take away the sting and deflated ego that I am feeling. I personally think the young man that was hired will do a great job; he already has the correct background and he is very young. I don't begrudge him nor those that made the decision...I guess I just have an old fashioned case of "hurt feelings."

I find myself dtruggling everyday with the idea that I am a "failure." Not in the traditional sense...but with regard to the expectations that I have placed on myself. I look at my wife working 12-16 hour days...as a pregnant woman...and it absolutely breaks my heart. I desperately want to look at her...one day...and tell her that she doesn't have to work!! I realize that I am only 32...however I certainly saw myself achieveing so much more at this stage in my life. I have tried to be a good husband...though I often fail. I have tried to be a good employee...though I often fail. I have tried to stay positive and focused...hoping that a better opportunity for advancement will come my way...and yes...failure once again.

I know this isn't the end of the world...I'm just uber-frustrated. I know that there is so much more that I could do and so many accomplishments waiting for me to tackle...yet I feel like something is holding me back. I suppose a Master's Degree would help...but the timing is horrible. With a baby on the way...my wife's job hanging in the balance...and an overall "awful" economy...I just don't feel comfortable taking that risk or the financial responsibility. It also doesn't help that we live in an area void of "opportunity." The rest of the country is hurting with massive job loss...but Demopolis...like many small towns...is the victim of "zero" growth!!

So I ponder...what will be my next move. Do I actively pursue jobs elsewhere...take a job...leave town...hope that we can sell our house in the meantime?? Do I stick it out...keep plugging away and work that much harder at the job that I have now?? Do I throw caution to the wind and go back to school?? Truth is...I have no idea. All I know is that right now...I have never been more terrified of my own mediocrity!!

I am not writing this blog so that people can give me a pep talk..or tell me everything will be OK and that I'm not a failure. The bottom line is...no one knows. This isn't a compliment "fishing trip"...believe me I'm not that self absorbed nor insecure. I guess I just recognize how cathartic this blog has been and I just needed to lay everything out in "words." Years ago, this is how I always dealt with emotional upheavel. Often it was with that archaic "pen and paper" that we seldom use anymore!! Writing and music have always been an escape for me...and since singing at the top of my lungs in the office will doubtfully halp any furture career plans...I'll stick with the blog!!

I know that so many of you have been where I am now and I guess that is another way that I am able to cope. This has been one of the most emotionally taxing years of my life. I lose my mother, Erin and I have some serious issues within our marriage, we discover that she is pregnant, she finds out they are closing labor and delivery...and now...no promotion!! I say these things not list how much worse my life has been than everyone else...but to simply illustrate its overriding difficulty. I'm not special...I'm not dealing with anything that anyone else hasn't dealt with. However...it is so easy in our human selfishness and frailty to get bogged down in the "Why Me?" mentality. This blog is to prevent that from happening!!

I'm sad...and a little depressed but I also know that no matter what...Erin and I are about to embark on one of the greatest adventures that two people could possibly be blessed with!! Every night I close my eyes...and she is on my mind. When I awake the next morning...she's still there. The things I used to care about are slowing melting away. I find myself wondering...will she like writing...will she excel in music...will she be an "academic"...will she love the arts...will she be athletic...or all of the above!! I hope she knows that WHATEVER avenue and dream she strives for...her mother and father will be right there to support it. I might have to sell my blood or take out a second mortgage on my house...but for Ella Giles...I will spend the rest of my life making sure that her path is free of all obstacles!!

She and my beautiful, supportive wife are what keep me going. I don't know what I would do without Erin and she didn't hesitate...when I let her know...to tell me that she loved me and was proud of me...either way. On a weekend that I missed my Mother intently...I am so blessed to have a wife that truly has completed me...and continues to make me a better man!! I ask for everyone's prayers as Erin and I prepare to welcome Ella Giles...in addition...pray that we will recognize God's will and the path that He has chosen for us all.

As always...thanks for listening. Until next time friends...