To Be A Father...

It was very easy to start writing this morning...as this topic seems to lay heavier on my heart each and everyday. I am still in shock and am awed by the fact that I...James Burden...the guy who at one time could organize a massive drinking party in about 15 minutes...is going to be responsible for the molding and shaping of a young mind!! I guess it's true...God does have a sense of humor!!

For most of my life...the idea of having children was as foreign to me as George Bush being asked to join a "Think Tank!" The thought terrified me and to be honest...I really didn't think it would ever happen. My wife and I went through about 6 months of grueling fertility treatments until finally...it became too much of an emotional upheaval. Each month we would arrive at the clinic...and each month Erin would be massively disappointed. I say Erin...because the reality was...I was relieved. The amount of guilt that I lived with...knowing how badly the woman that I loved wanted a child and how badly I did not...was at times too much to bare. I never let her know my true feelings but somehow...I'm sure she was aware. I saw "a child" as not a life but as a supreme responsibility. When I thought of a baby...I envisioned a bottomless pit of financial crises, sleepless nights and overall loss of identity for myself. Basically...I was a completely selfish prick who couldn't bare the thought of living my life for someone else. My God...it was hard enough being married and living for a spouse...why the Hell would I want to sacrifice anymore for a child...

Following our failed fertility experiment...things went from bad to worse. Erin and I grew emotionally and physically distant...a distance that seemed to widen with the passing of each moment. Then in June...I received the most devastating news that I could have possibly imagined...I lost my beloved mother. My best friend was gone...I felt my marriage was collapsing beneath my feet...I hated my job...and desperately wanted to leave Demopolis...in short...I was one emotional hiccup away from a complete emotional breakdown.

The marital problems finally came to a head...and after many tears, late night discussions, soul searching and some professional therapy thrown in there...she and I cleared our greatest couple's hurdle to date. We began to communicate again...more openly...and tried not to spend one waking moment taking each other for granted. That part of my life had turned a corner...and the weight of the world seemed to lessen just a bit. For the first time in months...I could breathe again...the air wasn't completely clean and clear but the smog had certainly thinned a bit!!

Then it happened...the words that I never expected to hear and honestly...wasn't prepared for..."Happy Birthday Daddy...I'm pregnant!!" Happy Birthday because my birthday was right around the corner...the rest...I hope you can all use context clues to figure out!! I stood there...mouth gaped open....heart racing...and for a moment...my legs almost gave way. I didn't know what to say...or how to react...part of me wanted to throw myself in front of oncoming traffic and the other part of me wanted to grab Erin and never let go. Luckily...the latter prevailed...and I grabbed Erin and kissed her obnoxiously as we stood in the parking lot of a local "greasy spoon." Yes...I celebrated the child growing inside my wife with a public display of affection at "FARMHOUSE RESTAURANT." No champagne...no string music...just chicken fingers, okra and "nanner pudding." For the record...I was so excited...in shock..etc. that I walked out of the restaurant with a full plate on the table and I didn't pay!!

After Erin and I talked for a few minutes..I told her that I was going to take the afternoon off so that we could make the appropriate "friends and family" phone calls. We agreed to meet back at the house as I needed to let everyone know that I wouldn't be back at work. I kissed her..and she drove off. I jumped in the car...cranked it up and didn't so much have it in "Drive" when I was hit with a wave of emotion that almost blacked me out. I began to cry...and not just tear up..I mean ugly...just watched "Marley and Me" crying. I was heaving...and let me tell you...there is nothing pretty about a heaving, blubbering overweight thirty-something dude...coming unglued as he's driving down the highway. But I couldn't control it. All of this raw emotion began pouring out of me like a volcanic eruption. The death of my mother...our past marital problems...all my mistakes...all my triumphs...and now a pregnancy...the dam was breaking and the flood was here!!

Now comes the strange part...I was suddenly taken by a feeling that I had not felt in a very long time...PEACE. It was as if someone pulled me from an icy river and wrapped me in a very warm blanket. It was the kind of warmth and safety that I would feel as a child...sitting in the living room of my Grandmother's house in Demopolis. The smell of breakfast filling the morning air...a slight chill traveling throughout my body...then CeCe walking into the living room...coffee in hand...and wrapping me in her green robe. Let me tell you...this was the UGLIEST ITEM OF CLOTHING that a seamstress has ever created...but in those moments...it was like a force field of love...and I couldn't imagine being wrapped in anything else!! Once again...almost 25 years later...the blanket was back and I couldn't imagine being anywhere else. My life had come full circle and I was OK with it. The pain of a dysfunctional family...the mistakes I had made in years past...the hurt I had caused...the hurt that I felt...the guilt that I never could shake...the fears..the sadness...in that instant...they were all gone!! I was going to be a Daddy...and oh my God...I was happy about it!!

I knew then as I know now that I didn't have to be afraid anymore. Noone is a perfect parent...we all know that. There are no User's Manual's for children and it will most certainly be a trial by fire. But at that moment...I knew that I would spend the rest of my existence...as long as I had breath...doing everything I could to give every ounce of my being to what we would later discover was a little girl. Ella Giles isn't even here yet...but I love her with all my heart!! My mother would always say that there was nothing like the love you have for a child...I never understood that until now!!

For so many years...I have longed to feel the warmth of CeCe's green robe during times of trial and tribulation. Who knew that a tiny, beating heart...a face that has yet to see the world...could wrap me in that blanket everytime it crosses my mind. My precious Ella Giles...we haven't met yet...but your Daddy already wants to thank you for making him a better man!! Until next time friends...